What is our agenda as we deal with our teenagers and sexuality? We want to be realistic about who they are, realistic about the world they live in, realistic about the contradictory voices they hear, and realistic about our own ambivalence about sex. But we especially want to be sure that our realism reflects the hope of the gospel. This hope is what motivates and shapes our work with teenagers.” [1] Paul David Tripp

Teaching adolescents about sex is probably not high on the list of priorities of most pastors, and understandably so. Pastors are responsible for multi-generational congregations with a wide variety of needs, and in all probability they have never had any training in preaching or teaching about sexuality. Sex may even be a “taboo” subject in the church, subject to censorship by the pastor’s superiors if he or she should be courageous enough to broach the subject from the pulpit or in a Sunday School class. Some pastors have told me that they preached one sermon on the issue and were told “Never again!” Quite possibly pastors themselves never received sexuality instruction in their youth, so they lack confidence to deal with the subject and might be too embarrassed to do so even if it were possible. Some pastors address the issue only when someone has been involved in sexual sin, and then only as a matter of church discipline.

This is a tragic situation. Rightly understood and rightly practiced, sex can be a great source of enjoyment and unity in marriage, a blessed gift from God. It can also be misused and can be a cause of great pain, disrupting young lives and separating young people from God. Teaching sexuality is an essential element in discipling teens. If you as a pastor do not deal adequately with this issue you have not thought through the implications and consequences of this omission.

I. The Tragedy of Widespread Teen Sexual Activity

A. The Situation

Worldwide, an ever-increasing number of teens have become sexually active over the past few decades, and at an ever younger age. Brazil and other countries in Latin America are no exception. The Ministry of Health of Brazil has said that sexual precociousness, which is accompanied by a tendency toward drug use at earlier ages, is “the most serious adolescent health problem in Brazil.”[2] Studies indicate that 61% of 16-19 year old youths have had sexual intercourse[3] and 40% of sexually active youth had their first sexual intercourse before their fifteenth birthday.[4] According to a UNESCO study, the average age of sexual initiation for boys is 14.5 years of age and for girls, 15.5 years.[5] “Staying” (boy meets girl, they kiss and sleep together, and may never date again) is widely practiced, as is ficar (so-called “safer” sex practices such as oral sex, mutual masturbation, and heavy petting).

Are the youth in your church any different? If Brazil is like many other countries, the answer is “No!” The rate of those who are having sexual intercourse may be lower, but the practice of other forms of sexual intimacy is just as prevalent.

B. Consequences of Premature Sexual Activity

What are the consequences of premature sexual activity? Young girls confused and frightened when they discover they are pregnant, often not knowing to whom to turn for advice and help; as they struggle to deal with the situation over days and months and years many others are impacted – parents, friends, the child that may never know its biological father or may be shuffled through the years between two sets of parents, the church’s witness. Young couples who are unable to have children because of the damage to a young woman’s reproductive system by a sexually transmitted disease or a botched abortion.[6] School dropouts, at-risk babies, emotional trauma,[7] poverty, separation from God.[8]

According to the Ministry of Health of Brazil, every 17 minutes a baby is born to a girl between the ages of 10 and 14, and every minute to a girl 15 to 19 years old.[9] More than 51,000 adolescent girls have post-abortion complications every year.[10] Forty-nine percent of 10- to 24-year-olds in Brazil have one or more sexually transmitted diseases.[11] Many of these diseases cause cancer, infertility, ectopic pregnancy, birth difficulties, and chronic pain. Adolescents have a higher susceptibility to sexually transmitted diseases; 15- to 19-year-olds have higher rates of gonorrhea and chlamydia, for example, than any other age group, and teen girls are particularly susceptible because they have an “open” reproductive system and because of the immaturity of their systems at this age. Bacterial infections can usually be cured if treated at once, but many have no symptoms, so that young people are unaware that they have been infected.[12] Even if the disease is cured, permanent damage may already have been done.[13] One infection with chlamydia, for example, results in a 25% chance of never being able to conceive; with two infections, there is a 50% chance. “The truth is worse than our nightmares” says Dr. Joe McIlhaney. “My saddest sessions in my ob-gyn practice were spent with adult women who could not have children because of a STD contracted as a young woman.”[14]

It is estimated that two percent of Brazilian young people between the ages of 15 and 19 have HIV, and AIDS has already claimed the lives of 13,000 between the ages of 13 and 24.[15] For HIV/AIDS and other viral infections such as herpes and human papilloma virus (HPV) there is no cure. The presence of another STD facilitates HIV transmission.

One of the most frightening consequences is the potential impact on future marital relationships of teens who have been sexually active. “When the physical part of a relationship races ahead of everything else,” says David Walsh, a psychologist and author of the teen-behavior book Why Do They Act That Way?, “it can almost become the focus of the relationship and they’re not then developing all of the really important skills like trust and communication and all those things that are the key ingredients for a healthy, long-lasting relationship.”[16] When physical intimacy is approached so casually, and when teens have no understanding of true intimacy, they may have difficulty forming healthy, intimate relationships later on. “What it means to be intimate is not clearly spelled out for young people by their parents and people they trust,” says Sabrina Weill, a former editor in chief at Seventeen magazine.[17]

C. Current Approaches to Dealing with This Situation

Your teens need guidance in dealing with their sexuality. Where will they get this guidance? Sérgio de Castro Nascimento, coordinator of Grupo Atitude, says that nobody knows how to talk to you about sex: not the government, not the family, not the teachers. Even health professionals have trouble communicating clearly. [18] Few parents talk with their children about sex, and many sex education teachers in the schools are untrained.[19] Yet teens must learn about sex and so they go to the only sources available to them – the media and their peers (who in turn have for the most part learned from the media).

The view promoted by the media – worldwide – is that teen sexual activity is unavoidable and it is therefore essential to teach young people to reduce the risks by using contraceptives and condoms and by engaging in “safer” forms of sex such as ficar. Public policy takes the same approach, also in Brazil: “Our policy is to drive home the idea that using a condom is the most effective way to prevent infection,” says Alexandra Granjeiro, national coordinator of Brazil’s program to fight AIDS and sexually transmitted diseases.[20] To that end the government, with UNESCO’s help, recently launched a pilot program to hand out condoms in high schools. The goal is that by 2006 some 2.5 million teenagers will have access to them.”[21]

Worldwide, most school sex education programs emphasize the use of contraceptives and condoms; abstinence is mentioned, but only in passing. Abortion is presented as an option for dealing with an unwanted pregnancy.

Are these approaches effective? The rate of sexual activity, unintended pregnancies, and STDs has continued to rise in countries using this “Comprehensive Sex Education” model, first introduced in Sweden some 50 years ago. The greater the amount of public money allocated for such programs, the higher the rate of teen pregnancies and abortions. Rather than questioning the effectiveness of such programs, authorities call instead for more such programs, begun at an earlier age, and with better-trained teachers. But the state of New Jersey, the first state in the United States of America to adopt comprehensive sex education, the first state to require sex education for all students (beginning with primary age children), and the state with the best trained and most experienced teachers has had the fourth highest rate of teen births out of all states in the entire country.[22] In Brazil, a recent study of sex education programs in schools in the city of Belo Horizonte found that more of the participants in these programs reported sexual activity in the three months prior to the study than did the controls.[23]

Are they healthy? A young teenage boy asked, “Which works better to keep my girlfriend from getting pregnant – the pill or condoms?” The teacher gave a clear, simple answer: “The pill.” Then she added, “But you should know that contraceptives don’t work so well in young girls, because their menstrual cycles are still irregular. If she does get pregnant because of contraceptive failure, the pregnancy can be dangerous for her and for the baby she conceives – because her reproductive system is not yet fully developed. You should also know that contraceptives give no protection against sexually transmitted diseases and that they actually make a young girl more susceptible to STDs. If you really love her, why would you want to put her at such risk?” New evidence shows that the injected contraceptive Depo-Provera may triple the risk of STDs[24] and cause bone loss, and that abortion can increase the risk of breast cancer. Condoms can fail – even when used consistently and correctly – and adolescents have not demonstrated that they can use them consistently and correctly for long periods of time. Even if they did, condoms do not protect from STIs such as genital herpes and HPV that are transmitted by skin-to-skin contact as opposed to bodily fluids. We also know that early sexual activity has serious emotional consequences for many teens, with both boys and girls more likely to be depressed and more likely to attempt suicide.

Are they in accordance with God’s Word? Sexual intimacy is a gift from God to unite and bring pleasure to a husband and wife and to enable them to have children. Sexual intimacy in any other context is contrary to God’s Word, and you want your teens to be obedient to his Word out of love for him – and for their own good. Even if we could reduce or eliminate the risks, sex outside marriage is wrong.

II. Changing the Paradigm

Your teens are in desperate need of instruction in sexuality. Government recognizes this, secular organizations working with youth recognize it, and both are attempting to provide help of the kind they deem best. Is what they offer in your teens’ best interests? Will it encourage your teens to live a life of sexual purity and integrity? The answer to this question is probably a resounding “No.”

A. Rationale

What, then, can you do for your teens? Should the church step into the breach?  Yes, since the church is responsible for teaching the whole counsel of God and since relationships – including sexual relationships – are a central theme in Scripture. Yes, since the church is called to “make disciples of all nations” (Mt 28:19-20), and teens cannot be disciples if their sexual relationships are not under his Lordship. Yes, because pastors and teachers are called to “prepare God’s people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may . . . become mature” (Eph 4:11-13). Young people cannot be spiritually mature members of the body of Christ if they have not learned sexual responsibility.

Teens need help in developing a right perspective of sexuality – a biblical view of who they are in God’s sight, of what it means to be male or female, and of what is appropriate in social relationships between males and females in the teen years.

B. Understanding Teen Sexuality

Why do teens become sexually active? According to the world’s view, the answer is “raging hormones”; awakening physical attraction for the opposite sex and the desire for romance make it impossible for adolescents not to have sex. According to those who have studied teen sexuality, however, this is not the determining factor. “Contrary to popular wisdom,” says Dr. David Hager, a well-known and highly respected American doctor and writer, “the choice to initiate sexual activity is rarely made on the spur of the moment in the heat of passion. A variety of pre-existent factors influence that decision.” What are those other motivating factors? Lack of a sense of self worth, depression, a “love famine,”[25] parental neglect, lack of moral standards, a broken home, previous sexual abuse, poverty, or use of drugs and alcohol. Parental neglect can be unintentional; sometimes parents spend too little time with their teens because they believe (often wrongly) that their sons and daughters would rather be with their friends. Or sometimes other activities (career, their own interests) are given priority over their children, and they fail to make the time to communicate: to find out what is happening in their teens’ lives, to talk with them about their relationships, or to provide adequate supervision. [26]

Another factor is unhealthy influences. “Sexual activity for most unmarried young people,” says Dr. Joe McIlhaney “is not the blissful involvement of two psychosocially mature young people. More often sexual activity is a result of unhealthy influences affecting the child.” These include peer pressure and societal acceptance and promotion of teen sexual activity. Most parents have no idea how much pressure is put on even very young teens by their peers, day after day. Television, movies, music videos, teen magazines, commercial advertising, the Internet – all are filled with sexual talk and sexual behavior, mostly between people who are unmarried and mostly presenting sex as glamorous, pleasurable, and adult – and beneficial and normative even for teens. Even adults who are close to teens (their parents and other adults in the church) are often an unhealthy influence because of their example (in dress or speech), their approval or even encouragement of sexual intimacy, or their mixed messages (“I’d rather you didn’t have sex, but here’s a condom just in case.”).

III. The Pastor and Sex Education

In Ephesians 4:11-13 we read that God “gave some to be . . . pastors and teachers, to prepare God’s people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may . . . become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ.” When we speak of teens and sex, we could paraphrase the passage to read “God gave some to be . . . pastors and teachers, to prepare parents for teaching sexuality to their children, so that teens in the body of Christ may . . . become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ.” The primary responsibility for sex education rests with parents – for two reasons: because God himself has commanded that parents teach his commands to their children (Deut 6:6-7; 11:18-19), and because parental involvement has been shown to be the greatest single deterrent to teenage sexual activity.[27] For the most part, parents have abdicated that responsibility – possibly because of embarrassment or not knowing what to say or because they believe this, like other subjects, will be handled better by the schools. It is your responsibility as a pastor to challenge parents to accept this responsibility, to provide within the church the training they need to do so, and to provide supplemental teaching for their teens.

It is possible for teens to save sex for marriage. They are capable of making healthy lifestyle choices. Rates of teen sexual activity have gone down in school districts in the United States where abstinence-based curricula are taught, and in Uganda, where abstinence has been promoted at every level of society.[28] Young people need to be challenged to live a life of sexual purity and to be given the skills to resist pressures and temptations. Josh McDowell tells of teens who come to him following a “Why Wait?” talk and say, “You mean I don’t need to have sex? Nobody has ever told me that before.” Or, “I was always told it was wrong to have sex before marriage, but when the opportunity came I couldn’t think of one reason why I shouldn’t.” Jesus has compassion on teens today who, in terms of sex, are for the most part “harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd” (Mt. 9:36). The church has the privilege and the responsibility of showing the way to sexual purity: “This is the way; walk in it” (Isa 30:21).

A. The Pastor as Preacher and Teacher

Many a young person who has suffered the consequences of premature sexual intimacy, whether physical or emotional, has said, “If only I’d known. I would have waited.” They can know. We have a God who has given instructions for living an “abundant” life, and warnings about ignoring these instructions. His commands are for our own good (Deut 10:12-13). As you preach to and teach the teens in your church, whether in sermons or in Sunday School or on other occasions, you can give them a firm foundation for a life of sexual purity, a reason for choosing a way contrary to that of the world and a standard against which to measure behavior. You can also challenge and help to equip their parents to fulfill their role.

There are so many passages in the Bible that speak directly to teens. As some of these passages were being read at a weekend retreat for 12- and 13-year-old girls, the girls exclaimed in amazement, “That’s in the Bible?!!” A God-given opportunity – eagerly grasped – for the leaders to say, “Yes! There is no situation you will ever face for which you can’t find an answer in God’s Word!”

1. Biblical teaching on sexuality

Take every opportunity to bring such passages to the attention of your congregation, as the topic for a sermon or a Sunday School lesson (several times a year) and, when fitting, as part of a related topic.

Sex is a good gift of God. (Genesis 1:27-31; 2:20b-25) This passage explains the natural attraction of a man and a woman for each other, an attraction that God said is “very good.” Because woman was made from man we have a longing in the very depths of our being to be reunited with our “sexual other.” Girls should rejoice in their femininity, boys in their masculinity, because gender is from God. Sexual intimacy is the ultimate expression of this mutual attraction, but is to be expressed only in marriage – in conjunction with “leaving” one’s biological family and “being united” with each other in a permanent covenant relationship (Mal 2:14; Prov 2:17) with another follower of Christ (2 Cor 6:14-15; Mal 2:11; 1 Cor 7:39).Within marriage sexual intimacy is to be celebrated and enjoyed (Song of Songs). Until marriage, virginity is to be cherished and protected (Song of Songs 4:12; 8:12; 2:7; 3:5; 8:4).

Sex outside marriage is wrong and has negative consequences. (1 Cor 6:9-10; 2 Samuel 13) The account of Amnon’s seduction of Tamar is filled with desires, emotions, and consequences to which teens can relate: Amnon was “frustrated to the point of illness” because of his desire to have sex with Tamar. His friend Jonadab encouraged him to be deceptive in order to get his own way. Amnon tricked Tamar into being alone with him and refused to honor her plea not to force her to have sex with him but to wait and have a marriage arranged. When Amnon had had his way with Tamar, he “hated her with intense hatred. In fact, he hated her more than he had loved her” and sent her away. Tamar was devastated by the experience, and the whole family suffered the consequences, far into the future. The account of Shechem and Dinah (Genesis 34) is also relevant to teen experience.

Sex is neither a physical necessity nor an act to be taken lightly. (1 Corinthians 6:12-20). Your teens may have heard or even been told directly that it is unhealthy to repress sexual desires. A spokesperson at the conference on AIDS in Thailand even said publicly, on television, that it is “inhumane” to expect young people to be abstinent. They will certainly have been told that it is normal to express sexual desire. That is what the Corinthians had told the Apostle Paul with regard to their sexual behavior: “Everything is permissible for me” and, apparently, something like “If God has given me this desire, then I should be able to satisfy it, just as I satisfy my desire for food when I feel hungry.” Paul’s response was that “not everything is beneficial” and that they needed to be careful not to be “mastered by anything.” Satisfying sexual desire outside marriage can lead to abuse and addiction. Even worse, when a follower of Christ bonds with a person outside marriage (because sexual intercourse bonds, whether it is with one’s spouse or not) that person is taking Christ himself into that relationship because as Christians we are temples of the Holy Spirit; Christ lives in us.

It is possible to resist temptation. (Gal 5:22-23; Proverbs 7) The day-by-day choices made by young people can make the difference between sexual purity and sexual immorality. The young man in Proverbs 7 made unwise choices: He went where he should not have gone, at the wrong time of day. He met with someone whose intention was to seduce him and he allowed himself to be kissed, listened to her “persuasive words” about “love” and “enjoyment,” and followed her to her bed. At any point before having sex with this woman, this young man could have saved himself from sinning. He could have refused to entertain the thoughts of temptation when they first came into his mind (2 Cor 10:5b); he could have chosen a more appropriate companion (1 Cor 15:33); he could, even at the last moment before yielding to temptation, have fled (1 Cor 6:18), as Joseph did from Potiphar’s wife, leaving his clothing behind in order to escape (Gen 39:6b-12). Self-control is possible; it is a gift of the Holy Spirit (Gal 5:22-23).

Sexual purity is a matter of the heart. (Romans 12:1-2)  Teens who know God and truly love him with all their heart and mind and soul and strength (Deut 6:5; Mt 22:37-38) will want to obey him, because obedience to his commands is the sign of their love (1 Jn 1:3-6; Heb 4:15). They will want to control their bodies (1 Thess 4:3-8) so that they can offer their bodies to God as living sacrifices and as instruments of righteousness (Rom 6:13). They will, like Job, want to “make a covenant with their eyes not to look lustfully at a girl” (Job 31:1) because, as Jesus said, “anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Mt 5:28). They will not want to have “even a hint of sexual immorality” in their lives, because this is “improper for God’s holy people” (Eph 5:3). They will want to think pure thoughts (Phil 4:8; Col 3:1-5). Sexual immorality is the fruit of the sinful nature, of a heart not attuned to God (Lk 6:45; Rom 6:12; James 1:13-15).

Obeying God may not be popular. (1 Pet 4:4-6) Young people today, like Joshua or Peter and John long ago, have to choose whether they will serve and obey God or others (Joshua 24:15; Acts 4:19). There will be those among their peers who “heap abuse” on them for choosing God’s way rather than the way of the world. Those who are persecuted for choosing God’s way, said Jesus, are blessed and they should “rejoice and be glad” (Mt 5:11-12; 1 Pet 4:12-16).

There is always hope. (1 Cor 6:9-11; 1 Jn 2:1-2) Some teens who have already had sex tend to be discouraged, feeling that there is no hope for them. But if they repent God forgives, and in his eyes they are like virgins again.[29] Godly sorrow for their sin “brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret” (2 Cor 7:10).

God’s love is beyond comprehension and everyone is of inestimable value in his sight. (John 3:16) Nothing a young person does or does not do can make God love them more, and nothing can make him love them less (Romans 8:38-39). His love is unconditional; he gave his only son to die for them while they were still sinners (Romans 5:8). He has “engraved them on the palms of his hands” (Is 49:15-16a) and “knit them together in their mother’s womb” (Ps 139:13).[30]

As you preach and teach regularly about sexual issues members of your congregation, young and old alike, will begin to feel more comfortable with talking about sexual issues. Topics you touch on will strike a chord in their own lives and, because you have openly mentioned these issues, they will feel more comfortable about bringing them up in conversation – if not with you, then at least with each other.

2. Challenging and equipping parents

As you preach on these topics and these biblical passages you will be giving parents a basis from which to discuss sex with their children and teens. You also need to challenge parents directly to accept their responsibility to teach children about sex as a gift from God; to prepare them for puberty; to prepare adolescents for opposite-sex relationships, help them set boundaries, and guide them in these relationships as they develop; and to provide supervision. We know from research that young people who feel strongly connected to their families are less likely to engage in any of the risk behaviors – drugs, smoking, and sex.[31] You also need to emphasize the vital importance of the father-child relationship and of a good marriage relationship between the parents.

You need to remind your congregation as a whole of how essential it is that they model sexual integrity in terms of dress, language, and relationships, and that they show respect for women and girls as persons in a world that portrays them all too often as little more than sex symbols, servants, or the “property” of men, to be used for their own pleasure.

3. The tough issues

You need to deal openly with issues that are not easy to discuss: homosexuality, pornography, premarital pregnancy, abortion, abuse, masturbation, and oral sex. Teens are exposed on a daily basis to conversation on these topics from a point of view which is anything but biblical; they need to know how to respond.[32] You need to provide guidance, for example, on what to say and how to act toward someone in your congregation who admits to struggling with homosexual feelings, someone who has had an abortion, or an unmarried teenage girl who is pregnant,[33] as well as to the families of such individuals.

B. The Pastor as Administrator

At the close of a conference at which I was speaking on teen sexuality, one pastor came to me to talk about the high rate of pregnancy among young teen girls in his church. I could see he was having difficulty expressing his concern and I realized that he was struggling to hold back tears.

If you have this kind of passion for teens and the sad consequences of premature sexual intimacy, you will have no trouble finding within your congregation or your community others who will willingly, even eagerly, offer to help find a solution. Your passion, combined with their own concern for teens, will inspire them and give them courage. When you provide the impetus and the foundation though your preaching and teaching, you do not need to do all the work involved in conceiving and carrying out the programs and special events necessary to train parents to carry out their role in sex education and to supplement what they do by going one step further with the teens themselves. I have seen this happen, most notably in my own home church, where one member of the pastoral staff initially organized a retreat for young teen girls in which she involved four other women in the congregation. After the second retreat, other women in the church – mothers of girls who had participated in the retreat and young women who knew from experience the consequences of poor sexual choices – were so impressed with the program that they began volunteering to help. Men in the church began volunteering to help with a program for the boys. It is your job to encourage such volunteers and to provide, or find, training and resources for them to do the job.

C. The Pastor as Counselor

Finally, as counselor, you need to be approachable for teens who have sinned sexually, so that you can assure them of God’s forgiveness when they acknowledge their sin and repent, and so that you can help restore them and give them hope. How can you do this? From your preaching teens will already know either that you do not care about their sexual lives or are judgmental, and therefore unapproachable, or that sexual purity is very important to you, that you want to help them to choose this path, and that you are there for them if they fail. On our son’s first day at university, the dean of his school said to all his students, “If you are ever in trouble, no matter what it is you have done, call me – even in the middle of the night. I will come and get you. If you’ve done something wrong we’ll deal with it later, but first I want to make sure you’re safe.” That professor was approachable.

When you sense that a teenager is headed for trouble, or when you are aware of sin in his or her life, take action; never ignore the issue, however difficult the situation. You are their shepherd (Lk 15:3-7). Like the Apostle Paul, you can encourage, comfort, and urge young people to live lives worthy of God (1 Thess 2:11-12). Just coming alongside that young person, or encouraging someone else to do so, may be all that is needed to let him or her know that someone cares and to motivate him or her to change direction.

IV. Overcoming Obstacles

A. Too Little Time

Moses faced this problem as he tried to single-handedly judge the disputes of the people of Israel. His father-in-law recognized this and said to him, “The work is too heavy for you; you cannot handle it alone.” His advice to Moses was, “Teach them the decrees and laws, and show them the way to live and the duties they are to perform. But select capable men from all the people—men who fear God, trustworthy men . . . Have them serve as judges for the people at all times, but have them bring every difficult case to you” (Exod 18:13-23). Make the time to preach and teach God’s Word about sexuality and relationships. Ask yourself, “Is what I was planning to preach on really more important than this topic?” Then choose others, men and women who have a passion for young people and who may themselves have experienced the results of unwise decisions in the area of sex, to minister to teens on your behalf, referring the difficult cases to you.

A. A “Taboo” Subject

Is it unacceptable in your culture and community to talk openly about sex? You may need to be the one to begin to change this attitude, and you will see how hungry people are for an opportunity to ask questions and talk about their concerns on the topic. You accept the Scriptures as your guide to faith and life, and the Scriptures are filled with references to sex.[34] The letters of Paul and other leaders of the early church were widely distributed and read aloud in the churches. You need to change the paradigm. If you take the first steps, you may well find that at least some members of your congregation will say, “Yes, we want you to talk about this.

B. Lack of Knowledge and Expertise

You may not feel qualified to teach about sex, but remember this: the so-called “experts” who may be teaching your teens are very often giving them information and guidance that is neither factual nor helpful. These “experts” are often individuals who have been “taken captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy which depends on human tradition and the basic principles of this world rather than on Christ” (Col 2:8). They themselves believe a lie, that teen sexual activity is inevitable and that the only way to help teens is to inform them of ways to “reduce the risks.” You have God’s truth about sex in Scripture, and you can enlist the help of others – Christian doctors, nurses, teachers – for other aspects that need to be taught.

C. Embarrassment

The need for you to take the lead in sex education in your church is so great that you need to do whatever it takes to overcome this embarrassment. Just begin. Each time you talk about the subject it will become easier, and as your people respond and you see how much the discussion is needed your desire to help will overcome the embarrassment.

V. Transforming Pastoral Ministry in Sex Education: Seven Beginning Steps

1. Become aware of your teens’ environment and how it influences their decisions regarding sexuality and relationships. To do this you must get to know your teens, either by interacting with them yourself or by regular conversation with those who know them well: their parents, their teachers, their youth leader or Sunday School teacher. You need to be aware of their family situations and of societal influences, as well as of their own personal needs and problems.
2. Preach the Word of God on sexuality, regularly and with clarity, not only on topics relevant to teens and their parents but also those relevant to adults of all ages. Teens need to know that sexual purity is not an issue just for them. Speak about the reality of sexual temptation and of human frailty and sin at all stages of life, but also about the power of the Holy Spirit to keep us from sinning. Do a series of sermons periodically to keep the subject before your congregation for an extended period of time and to emphasize its importance.[35
3. Dare to initiate private conversations with young people whom you sense (or know) are in danger of making unwise decisions or are already involved in unhealthy relationships or activities. To be able to do this you need to have the reputation of being approachable and to have already established a relationship of trust with them.
4. Provide regular and frequent opportunities for teens to make a public commitment to save sex for marriage. The “True Love Waits” program provides guidelines for preparing for such a public commitment with a bible study done by parents and teens at home, the signing of a commitment card, and the presentation of all signed cards in a special worship service at the church.
5. Work toward creating a culture of openness on sexuality in your church. Your openness, as pastor, and your encouragement for others to express their needs and concerns, is vital in creating such a climate. Enter into discussion with other pastors, seminary professors and students, and other Christian leaders to find answers to dealing biblically and effectively with sex-related topics of public concern such as violence, efforts to shut down all public opposition to homosexuality, and sex as a way out of poverty.
6. Promote a high view of marriage and family. Teens long for an exclusive, lasting marriage relationship. Many have not experienced such a relationship in their own homes or even been acquainted with an intact, happy family. Your teaching on marriage and family, celebration of wedding anniversaries as a church body, and corporate prayer for children (including babies yet to be born) all help to give teens a picture of marriage and family as it can be. You can also encourage families to begin early to pray together for their children’s future spouses.
7. Provide hope for all individuals in all situations. You can provide assurance for teens that it is indeed possible to postpone sex until marriage and at the same time enjoy healthy boy-girl relationships. You can also provide assurance that no situation is without hope; it is always possible to start over. You can teach and model grace in dealing with sexual sin, as well as with all other sins - the grace that each individual can offer another because all have experienced the grace of God. Show the members of your church how to offer forgiveness and restoration to those who sin sexually, how to nurture them and give them hope for the future (Gal 6:1).

Summary

What a privilege it is, and what a wonderful opportunity, to teach and interact with young people on a subject that is so central to their lives and of such intense interest to them as they pass from childhood to adulthood! And what a tragedy if their sexual education is left, by default, in the hands of those who do not know that sex is a gift of God, a source of blessing and enjoyment when rightly used. As their pastor, you must know your teens and their environment, you must hold up God’s standard for sexual behavior in your preaching and teaching, and you must enlist others to help you encourage and train your young people in sexual purity.

Published in Portuguese under the title "O pastor e a educação sexual de adolescents,” in Manfred Waldemar Kohl and Antonio Carlos Barro (eds), Aconselhamento Cristão Transformador (Londrina, Brazil: Descoberta, 2006).

“Scripture speaks of virgins and a Virgin Birth, of the erotic and the carnal, of heterosexual and homosexual behaviors, of the body and the flesh. Does the youth group your son or daughter attends ever address these issues? If not, the morning paper does, the evening television news does, the weekly news magazines do, their peers do, and their schools may. . . Do the churches have a heart for teenagers, who live in a sex-laden atmosphere? If so, if our teenagers are to be light and salt in their own environment, someone must help them make sense of sexuality. What is the effect of such a sex-laden atmosphere on teens today?”                                                                                                                                                                   Christian Medical & Dental Society[1]

“Sex is not seen as a topic to be dealt with but as a way of life,” says Walt Mueller, speaking of popular teen television shows like Dawsons Creek and The O.C. “All the characters are sexually active and confident in their sexuality.”[2] In society in general widespread teen sexual activity is not regarded as a problem. Sexual desires are considered a natural aspect of life, and teens – like adults – should have the “right” to express those desires freely and to enjoy their sexuality. The only “problem” is what is perceived by some to be inadequate provision for the “reproductive needs” of teens. Providing “adequately” for reproductive needs means, for the most part, providing easier access to contraceptives and condoms and better training in “negotiating” with one’s sexual partner in order to avoid possible negative physical and emotional effects. It also means providing confidential access to “safe” abortion.[3]

“Don’t be offended if no one speaks up when you ask for discussion. Sex is a taboo subject here.” I have heard this warning from organizers of my seminars on teen sexuality from Ukraine to Lebanon to Malaysia, from Argentina to Sri Lanka. These leaders could not have been more wrong; there is never enough time to deal with all the questions and concerns brought up by the audience. Parents, teachers, and other adults are desperate for help in dealing with teen sexuality, and almost inevitably at the end of the seminar one or more of the younger adults come to me and say, “I wish my parents had heard this when I was a teen!”

“I can’t put up these posters. They have the word sex in them!” The two posters in question had been prepared by the ethics department of the local seminary for distribution to both churches and secular schools in a city in Ukraine. Beautifully designed and colorful, one listed the differences between love and lust, and the other the benefits of saving sex for marriage versus the negative consequences of premarital sex. The head of the ethics department of the seminary had offered copies of these posters to the speaker, the assistant to the pastor of the church he was visiting. In another church, in North America, a young father was reprimanded for saying in an interview during a Sunday worship service, “My wife and I talk with our children about sex.”

These are common scenarios throughout the world: Christian adults working with teens want help in teaching sexual purity, both because that is what God wants for young people – and what is best and healthiest for them – and in order to counteract the untruthful and destructive messages teens are receiving from the culture. And too often the church is silent, giving no help to either teens or adults while at the same time giving teens the impression that there is something terribly wrong about sexual desire. Meanwhile teens, wanting to understand their sexual desires and how to deal with them, are left with their peers, the media, and possibly their school sex education program as their guides in sexual matters. The guidance they will get from these sources will in all probability be similar to that given by an experienced adolescent psychiatrist to Miriam, a 15-year-old girl who had decided to have sex with her boyfriend:

I walked her through the questions that I encourage boys and girls to ask themselves before they have sex. Was she doing this for herself? Did she trust this partner? Could she talk to Julian? Would she be comfortable saying no, even at the last minute? Had she and Julian practiced with other sexual experiences before deciding to do this? What was her plan for protection from pregnancy and sexually transmitted disease?[4]

Regardless of what the world says, teen sexual activity is a problem today; it is not healthy for teens to be having sex. Premature sexual activity results in pregnancy, disease, and emotional trauma, and in weakened opportunity for successful future marriages.[5] It also causes heartache for those who love and live with the teens involved. Teens need help in understanding and dealing with their sexuality, but not all kinds of “help” are beneficial. What is your church doing to help your teens to understand and rejoice in their sexuality and to please God in this area of their lives? What more could you do? What could you do to help teens outside the church?

Christ calls the church to make disciples, teaching them to obey everything he has commanded (Matthew 28:19-20). In obedience to God’s command to “fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds” and to “teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up” (Deut 11:18-19; 6:6-7), parents should be teaching their children what Scripture says about sexuality. They, not the church, should be the primary sex educators of their own children. If parents are unwilling or unable to fulfill this responsibility, then the church’s role is not to relieve them of their responsibility but rather to challenge them and to equip them to take up this task. The church can also supplement parents’ teaching in many important ways. (See diagram.)

Parents should be the primary sex educators of their teens. Pastors and lay teachers equip parents and supplement parents’ teaching. Youth leaders, Sunday School teachers, and other adults also supplement parents’ teaching.

Together, parents and the church should take up the task of teaching teens why they should save sex for marriage, how they can do that successfully, and how they can enjoy healthy relationships as single young adults. They should also introduce teens to a loving and forgiving God, from whose love in Christ nothing can separate (Romans 8:38-39), a God who runs to meet and embrace one who has sinned (Luke 15:20).

I. Equipping Parents

Most parents admit to two reasons why they do not talk to their teens about sex: embarrassment, and not knowing what to say or how to begin. “What should I teach, and at what age?” is the most frequently asked question. What they often do not realize is that, whether they are consciously teaching about sex or not they are in fact, as Stan and Brenna Jones point out, their child’s principle sex educators and they “will either have an anemic, unintentional, mixed-up, and hence negative impact, or a powerful, deliberate, clear, and positive impact.”[6] The church can help parents to effectively teach their children about sex so that they will honor God in their relationships, both as teens and later as adults, and so that they will avoid the negative and far-reaching consequences of premature sexual activity.

A. What Parents Need to Know

The many aspects of teaching sexuality are summed up in Jones’ first principle of sex education, Sexual education is the shaping of character:

Education about sexuality goes beyond providing information that is accurate and timely. We must also shape the values and attitudes of our kids, shape their worldview, practice what we preach (modeling), provide our children with the emotional strength they will need to make godly decisions, and instill in them the skills to implement the good decisions they make. Most importantly, their behavior will spring from their hearts, which will be formed by their personal relationship and devotion to God. Thus, influencing their spiritual growth must be a top priority.[7]

Sex education is an essential element in discipling teens, and the church can help parents to fulfill their responsibility by helping to train them in at least four important aspects of parenting:

1. Preparing their children for puberty

Before a child begins to go through the physical, intellectual, and emotional changes of puberty he or she needs to know what lies ahead. A boy needs to be prepared, for example, for the uncontrollable “squeak” as his voice deepens, for the first nocturnal emission, and for spontaneous erections at inopportune times. A girl needs to look forward to her first menstrual period as a wonderful sign that she is physically becoming a woman, rather than being terrified that something is radically wrong with her when she suddenly discovers blood on her panties. Does the age of nine or ten seem too young to start discussing sex? Many state school sex education programs for 10- and 11-year-olds teach contraception and have students practice putting condoms on a banana or a cucumber. Pediatricians are advised by their superiors to include this information in routine visits of children in this age group.[8] Both boys and girls need to know that emotional ups and downs are normal and that they may sometimes feel, as one boy expressed it, “as if I don’t know myself any more.” Identities can be fragile in this stage of development as pimples appear on the face, feet and hands grow faster than the rest of the body, girls gain unwanted weight, and each wonders if what he or she is experiencing is “normal,” especially if they develop earlier or later than their peers. Many young people lose confidence in themselves during puberty.

Young people need to be able to talk with their parents about all these issues as they arise, but for parents whose own parents may never have talked with them about such things this is difficult to do. The church can help give them confidence and the tools to fulfill their role.

2. Preparing their teens for opposite-sex relationships

The information needed to prepare children for the changes of puberty is relatively easy to obtain; a medical book, a book on puberty, or even a talk with a nurse or a doctor can provide what is necessary. Preparing teens for opposite-sex relationships is not so straightforward. Parents must first ask themselves questions such as “How old should my child be before he or she begins to date?”[9] “What type of dating is appropriate (group, double, single) at what age?” “What are appropriate activities for a date, and where?” “Should there be a curfew?” “Should we always meet the prospective date first?” “What level of physical contact is acceptable?” Or, “Is it necessary, or advisable, to date?” Who will make these decisions – parents, or the teens themselves? Parents need to discuss and come to an agreement on such issues prior to discussing them with their teens. They also need to know how to reassure their young teens that the strange new feelings of attraction they are experiencing for the opposite sex, at the same time both scary and exciting, are normal. Many young teens – and many young adults – otherwise feel that they are “bad people” for having these feelings.

The church can help parents to think through these issues. The church can also address with parents topics they will need to discuss with their teens, topics such as the difference between love and lust; the differences between males and females, especially but not only in terms of what arouses each sexually, and what it means to respect these differences; the “slippery slope” nature of physical intimacy and the danger of indulging casually in intimacies intended to arouse the body for sexual intercourse; the importance of choosing friends wisely; the meaning of sex, which is typically understood by today’s teens as being only vaginal intercourse;[10] and the advantages of saving sex for marriage.

3.   Being aware and available

Patricia Hersch, an American journalist who for years had been writing stories about the “dramatic and the worrisome” in the world of adolescents, decided to become an “explorer” in order to discover the nature of regular adolescent life from the inside. “If ‘regular’ adolescence had been lost in the shadows,” she writes, “I wanted to yank it into the sunlight.”[11] For six years she followed eight teenagers, “talking and talking. We talked in cars, in fast-food restaurants, in their homes, in parks, at malls, at football games, in the halls at school, in my office, on the phone, at the all-night track meet (at 2:30 in the morning).”[12] In the preface to A Tribe Apart, Hersch writes,

“There is a frightening mismatch in America between the lives our adolescents live and the willingness of adults to absorb those lives and talk to teens before trouble occurs. This blindness . . . isolates adolescents from freely communicating with adults, and locks them in a tribe apart. . . Part of the solution to the underlying problem of school violence is so apparent we are missing it. Listen to the kids. (Emphasis in original.) Hear what their lives are like, what matters to them, how things are going in their world. Listen and bring adult wisdom to the discussion. . . This book is rooted in that kind of communication. Its pages reveal not only the hearts and minds of adolescents but also their willingness to talk to an adult who cares . . . even in a world that has disappointed and scared and hurt them, they still want to connect.”[13] (Emphasis added.)

Hersch did her research in the late 1990s, as school shootings in the United States were becoming a terrifying problem; hence her references to school violence. But her solution to the problem of violence also applies to teen problems in general, and her observations are backed up by the results of a Carnegie study of adolescent development: “Young adolescents do not want to be left to their own devices.  . . They want more regular contact with adults who care about and respect them.”[14] This view is contrary to the belief of many adults that teens want to be left alone.

The church needs to challenge parents to spend time with their teens. Adolescence is a journey, as Hersch reminds us, “a search for self in every dimension of being,”[15] and teens need adult help in making that journey.   “The lives of the kids in this book illustrate in subtle and not so subtle ways the need for adult presence to help them learn the new lessons of growing up. . . The kids in the book who do best are those who have a strong interactive family and a web of relationships and activities that surround them consistently.”[16] Parents who do spend time with their teens will be aware of the tremendous pressures on them in terms of sexuality: pressures from their peers to engage in sexual activity, rejection if they don’t, and the impression given in sex education in their schools that teen sex is natural and normal.

4.   Setting standards, guiding, and supervising

Parents are often blissfully unaware of the dangers into which they may unintentionally plunge their teens by not helping them to set standards and by failing to guide them and to provide appropriate supervision. Parties without adult supervision and large parties attended by teens not known to the parents are open invitations to involvement in drinking, drugs, and sex. Free and unsupervised access to the Internet makes it easy for teens to find misinformation on sex and can open the way to cybersex, to enticement by sexual predators, or to an addiction to pornography.[17] The church can help parents in dealing with these issues as well as with the more mundane day-to-day activities of their teens.

B. How to Reach Parents

Your church can reach parents with the information and training they need in a number of ways. You can offer courses on teen sexuality as part of your Sunday School curriculum, using your own staff or members of the congregation who have some training and experience, such as doctors, nurses, or directors of crisis pregnancy centers. You can organize seminars, either as a cooperative effort with other churches and parachurch organizations working with youth or on your own, and invite parents from the community to join parents from your own church. You can provide informal opportunities for parents to come together to discuss questions and problems they are currently facing. In addition to gatherings such as these, you need to provide resources that will make possible further independent study on the part of the parents themselves.

1. Courses

Courses or discussions on understanding and dealing with teen sexuality should include topics such as:

• Preparing your pre-teen for the changes of puberty. This topic needs to be addressed with parents of 9- and 10-year-olds so that they can prepare their children for the changes that will come. If they begin discussion at this stage, before their child becomes self-conscious about these developments, he or she will be more likely to be willing to talk later on.
• Preparing your teen for opposite-sex relationships. This could be a course for several weeks for parents of 13- and  14-year-olds and should include discussions on topics such as choosing friends and dealing with peer pressure to have sex; recognizing and dealing with the influence of the media (music, television, movies, magazines) and use of the Internet; dating, setting boundaries, and self-control; self-worth; differences between males and females, and mutual respect of the one for the other; the meaning of sex; real beauty, modesty in dress, and the use of makeup..

Other topics that could either be included in such a course, or offered on their own would be:

• How to talk with teens. Beginning a conversation on sex is often the greatest obstacle parents face; if they can learn this, from examples and practice, then they can seize teachable moments, take the initiative in bringing up the subject as they sense a need, and answer questions. Teens need to know not only the facts about sex, but also their parents’ attitudes and beliefs. Parental disapproval of sex before marriage, communicated in discussion rather than harshly imposed, can make the difference.
• Secular views versus the Christian view of sexuality.
• The benefits of abstinence[18] until marriage and the consequences of premature sexual intimacy.
• Preparation for marriage. Teens should be encouraged to consider the qualities they want in a future spouse, to pray for that as yet unknown person, and to think about what they would like to be able to say to that person on the eve of their wedding. Will they be able to say, “I saved myself for you”?
• Reproduction and abortion. A young teen boy was heard casually saying to a friend, “Well, if he does get her pregnant she can get an abortion. He can afford it.” A young teen girl asked, “What happens in an abortion? What do they do to the baby?” With society treating abortion as a simple solution to the problem of unintended pregnancy, teens need to know the facts about abortion: the fact that by the time a girl knows she is pregnant the fetus is already recognizable as a human person, that abortion ends the life of this person, the fact that an abortion can cause physical harm to the mother and long-term emotional distress for both the mother and the father.[19]
• Answers to commonly asked question on sexuality.

2. Seminars

Some of these topics could also be covered in seminars, where you can bring in Christian professionals (doctors, nurses, directors of crisis pregnancy centers, high school teachers, and others) who often command greater respect simply because of their professional standing and who can address the issues in their area of expertise and offer a broader perspective on some aspects of the topic. A Christian doctor can, for example, address more specifically the medical and social aspects – as well as giving the Christian perspective – of teen sexuality, homosexuality,[20] etc. A social worker or psychologist could address the issue of abuse. One of the most popular speakers at seminars can be a young adult who is just far enough away from his or her teen years to be able to understand their experiences at that time but still close enough to remember how it feels to be a teen.

3. Forum for discussion

Research shows that this kind of informal gathering, in which parents can share their questions, their struggles, and their discoveries is very effective in promoting discussion, particularly with a good facilitator. Such forums, held on a regular basis, can make parents feel comfortable with each other and can reassure them that they are not alone, whatever the situation they face.

4. Resources

Your church library should contain good books, audiocassettes or CDs, and videos on teen sexuality, and parents should be regularly reminded of their availability and encouraged to make use of them. If finances are a problem in obtaining such resources, then consider creating your own: simple handouts, for example, on topics such as “Biblical Teaching on Sexuality,” “What Parents Can Do: Some Ideas for Sex Education in the Home,” “Setting Dating Standards,” and “A Sample Conversation.” Ask speakers in your courses and seminars to allow you to photocopy the text of their talks for your library.[21]

II. Supplementing Parents’ Teaching

A teen’s relationship with his or her parents and the ability to communicate openly with them, even about sex, is one of the key determining factors in delaying initiation of sexual activity. This fact cannot be overemphasized. Teens need someone who is readily available to talk with them whenever they have questions or problems and, contrary to popular opinion, most teens would like to be able to talk with their parents about these issues. This is why it is so vitally important that parents be helped to facilitate this relationship. There are, nevertheless, things that the church can do more effectively – and more easily – than parents, and it is in these areas that the church can and should supplement parents’ teaching. Most parents, for example, will not have the biblical knowledge of the pastor or some of the other church leaders. The church is also able to help create a positive peer culture to counteract the negative peer pressure that teens face outside the church. If they are able, as a group, to hear a common message, and if they are encouraged to be accountable to each other, then they don’t feel so alone.

A. Biblical Teaching on Sexual Purity

Teens should hear this common message on sexual purity in the pastor’s preaching, in their Sunday School classes, and in their youth groups. They should hear that sex is good, a gift of God intended to unite a husband and wife and to give pleasure in the marriage relationship (Genesis 1:27-31; 2:20b-25, Song of Songs); that sex outside marriage is contrary to God’s will and has negative consequences (2 Samuel 13); that sex is not an act to be taken lightly (1 Corinthians 6:12-20), because Christ himself lives in the believer; that it is possible to resist temptation (Galatians 5:22-23) if they truly love God (Ephesians 5:3); that even if they sin they can be forgiven and restored to fellowship with God (1 Corinthians 6:9-11) and become again as virgins in his sight.[22]

B.  Practical Training in Healthy Relationships

How can teens learn to incorporate these biblical standards into their everyday lives in a concrete, practical way? How can they learn to recognize the temptations they face and develop the necessary skills to deal with these temptations? One way is through a weekend retreat. We have held such a retreat at my home church in Canada once a year for the past four years. We bring together sixth grade girls (12- to 13-year-olds) from Friday afternoon to Saturday afternoon. Having them together for this extended period allows the girls and the leaders time to become comfortable with each other so that they feel free to talk openly.

The weekend begins with worship and continues with a wide variety of activities. The girls search secular teen magazines for popular views on dress, dating and relationships, and self-worth. They discuss the Christian view of issues such as purity, boundaries, temptation, and resistance skills, using the Bible and the book And the Bride Wore White, by Dannah Gresh.[23] They watch and discuss a video on sexually transmitted diseases and other consequences of sexual intimacy outside marriage. They try to identify what is presently the most important thing in their lives, and then make a necklace with a single pearl to symbolize the “pearl of great price” (Mt 13:45-46), Jesus, and their love relationship with him. If they are ready to do so, they write a letter to God telling him their struggles in the area of sex and pledging to keep him in first place in their lives and to save sex for marriage. They watch and discuss a homemade video in which adult men in our church answer the question “What are you looking for/did you look for in a wife?” Toward the end of the weekend each girl is given a luxurious hand massage by one of the adult leaders and – the grand finale – the girls dress up for a cookies and juice party in a beautifully decorated room.

A key element in the success of this weekend is involvement of the parents. Parents of girls who want to take part in the weekend must attend a pre-retreat meeting at which the activities of the weekend are discussed. This year, at that pre-retreat meeting, we had a mother-daughter testimony of how last year’s retreat had transformed their lives and their relationship with each other. On the Saturday of the retreat the mothers come for the last hour. They first form a “guard of honor” for the girls as they come into the party room, and then spend an hour with one of the leaders discussing how they can use this weekend’s experience as a starting point for further discussion and teaching at home. One of the activities suggested is a take-home mother-daughter bible study on topics related to sex, at the end of which both mother and daughter will sign a card pledging themselves to sexual purity.

Such a retreat helps to counteract many of the motivating factors and the unhealthy influences that cause teens to become sexually active.[24] They begin to understand and learn to express in words what they are feeling as they enter this new phase of life, and to stand up for their standards in public. They learn the facts about the effects of early sexual intimacy and some of the skills necessary to be sexually pure, to stand up to peer pressure, and to recognize the false information presented by the media. The hand massage and the party tell the girls that they are of value to other people, and that they should never let anyone treat them with any less respect. The bible studies tell them they are of value to God and show them his standards for relationships and his desire to be first in their lives. The participation of their parents shows them that their parents care about them and want to communicate with them.

Each year both teens and parents are becoming more excited about this “Covenant Girls Retreat.” Teens have said, “This was the best weekend of my life!” and “I learned so much!” Mothers have said, “Thank you for teaching and sharing with us” and “This ministry is so amazing – I want to be involved.” A father said, “I am amazed at how you present these topics in such easy yet memorable ways! I thank you.” Parents are asking for a similar activity for boys.[25] A year-long study for older girls is being considered, as well as a seminar for parents of children about to enter puberty.

C. Creating Positive Peer Pressure

In Sunday School classes and youth group meetings the church can encourage the development of a counter-culture, a group setting in which its teens can support each other in resisting the negative peer pressure they face in other contexts, and can help them to reach out together to their school friends. One very effective way of creating such a culture is the “True Love Waits” program, in which a parent-teen bible study done in their own home culminates in the signing of a commitment card, followed by the public presentation of all signed cards in a special worship service at the church. Holding such a service every year would keep the ideal of sexual purity before the entire congregation and encourage members to hold each other accountable.

“True Love Waits” two-sided commitment card[26]

Studies show that next to a healthy parent-child relationship, the making of a public pledge to remain a virgin until marriage is one of the strongest incentives to avoiding sexual intimacy until marriage. Teens who sign such pledges delay initiating sex, are significantly more likely to be virgins when they marry, and are less likely to have a child out of wedlock.[27]

D. Training to Counter Popular Misconceptions

Every day of their lives teens receive misinformation on sex – from their peers, from other adults, from the media, or on the Internet. The church can help to provide correct information, as well as to point teens to reliable sources of such information: books, videos, web sites. Sunday School classes or youth groups can, for example, include discussion on sexual issues in the news, asking what light Scripture sheds on how to think about such issues (Acts 17:11) and how to deal with them in practical ways. Teach teens not to accept anything they hear or read or see without first evaluating the source, and train them how to do that.

E.   Special Events

Special events for children and their parents can play an important role in strengthening the parent-child bond as well as in giving children a sense that they are of value not only in relation to their own families but also in the wider community of the church. One church holds an annual “daddy-daughter” banquet for girls aged 6 to 16 and their fathers. When Charlotte, our oldest granddaughter, went to this banquet with her daddy she felt like a princess! Her sister Clara, two and a half years younger, could hardly wait until she was old enough to go and, long before the event, was planning what she would wear and how she would have her hair done! Little cards that are sent home with the girls, promising a special outing with daddy or some other special treat, can be redeemed in the months that follow the banquet, prolonging the excitement and giving further opportunities for father-daughter interaction. Other special events could be a mother-daughter tea, a father-son camping trip – the possibilities are limited only by your imagination.

Such special events strengthen the bonds between children and their parents and lay a firm foundation for a relationship that will last into the teen years, confirming a young person’s worth and assuring him or her of a parent’s love and willingness to walk with them whatever life brings. In such a relationship, not only can teens talk with their parents about sexual issues but they will not need to look for love and significance in premature sexual intimacy.

III. Beyond Sex Education

Sex education is but one part, albeit a very important part, of helping young people to mature. Teens become sexually involved for many reasons, and unless the other motivating factors and the unhealthy influences that lead to premature sexual intimacy are either removed or counteracted even the best sex education may fail to persuade some teens to save sex for marriage.  Your church needs to address these issues. You also need to create an environment in which those who do sin sexually may find forgiveness and restoration, not judgment and rejection.

A.  Discipling Teens

A key to teens’ adopting healthy, God-honoring boundaries in boy-girl relationships is their relationship with the Lord. Heather Jamison, like many other young people who seem on the surface to be committed Christian teens, attributes her becoming sexually active before marriage to her superficial relationship with the Lord.[28] Josh McDowell has shown that there is a direct relationship between a teen’s commitment to absolute truth – and to the God who has revealed that truth – and his or her commitment to abstinence until marriage.[29]

Sexual purity is a matter of the heart. Teens who love God with all their heart and soul and mind and strength (Deut 6:5; Mt 22:37; Mk 12:30; Lk 10:27), and who want to show that love by obedience to his commandments (Jn 14:15; 1 Jn 2:3-6) will be able to save sex for marriage. The church needs to help teens to realize that their bodies are a sanctuary, the temple of the Holy Spirit. Their song should be:

Lord, prepare me

To be a sanctuary,

Pure and holy,

Tried and true.

With thanksgiving

I’ll be a living

Sanctuary

For you.[30]

Such teens will be salt and light in their own environment, witnesses to their peers of a “better way” in sex and relationships.

B. Strengthening Families

One of the strongest “motivating factors” in teens’ becoming sexually active is a poor home environment: a broken home, or a home in which love is not expressed or there is little interaction between parents and children, or in which the father is either physically or emotionally absent, or where the parents do not “parent.” One young woman, talking about her sexual activities as a teen, told how her mother would find used condoms under their living room sofa – and say nothing – and how her father would meet her in the driveway in the early morning as he was going to work and she was just coming home – and say nothing. Her conclusion: “They didn’t care about me.”

A happy family life and good communication between parents and teens is the best deterrent to premature sexual activity. The church needs to be in the business of strengthening families: honoring and celebrating marriages, providing marriage enrichment and help for struggling couples, and challenging and training parents.

C. Creating a Culture of Forgiveness and Restoration

Heather Jamison asks a poignant question: Is getting pregnant out of wedlock so much worse a sin than any other? In her experience it seemed that for the church the repentance of a pregnant teen was not enough; it was almost as if she was expected to do penance in order to earn forgiveness. If your church is to live up to its calling, it must become a place where sinners – whatever their sin – know that they can seek forgiveness and restoration. In order for this to happen every member of the congregation must see themselves as sinners, saved by grace. As such, they are no better than any other sinner and so they can offer to others the forgiveness that they themselves have received from God on the basis of Christ’s death for all people while they were still sinners (Rom 5:8).

Your church should be a haven to which all sinners feel free to come to receive God’s forgiveness, fleeing to him and the body of believers rather than from him and his people. Achieving this requires engaging all members of the congregation in opening themselves to a change of attitude, as well as specific teaching on how to respond biblically in every situation.

IV. Reaching into the Community

It is difficult for teens to constantly hear conflicting messages about sex. How do they know which voice to listen to? In a Christian home they may hear, “No sex before marriage” but without a clear definition of what “sex” is and without reasons as to why they should abstain. In the church they may hear the same message, or nothing at all. At school they are probably being told that when they begin having sex, which they inevitably will, they should use condoms and contraceptives. They may well hear that message also from health care professionals, and they certainly do from the media. If they are not being sexual they may be ridiculed and rejected by their non-Christian peers, because “everyone is doing it.” Can the church do anything about these conflicting messages?

Even if your church is hesitant to speak out or take action as a church body, your members can. The church can encourage them to act, both as individuals and as groups of concerned citizens. Parents can speak out about the sex education curricula in their children’s schools. Often heads of schools and members of school boards are unaware of the content of these curricula or of the effect of the teaching on children and teens.[31] Informed parents can bring this information to the attention of school authorities and influence the choosing of curricula and materials. Teachers of sex education, social workers, and health care professionals can be invited to seminars offered at the church. Many professionals are poorly informed or misinformed about the facts of teen sex.[32] Abstinence messages can be provided to the media to counterbalance the “safe sex” messages. [33] Church members can write letters to the editor of the newspaper to point out errors in reports or to provide valid alternative viewpoints to articles on sex. Such activism is more likely to happen if the subject of teen sexuality is regularly discussed in the church.

Some will object to the promotion of abstinence to the general public, saying that since large numbers of teens are in fact already sexually active the message they need to hear is the “safer sex” message of condoms and contraceptives. In the interests of public health, they will say, public policy demands the latter message. The promotion of condoms as “protection” from sexually transmitted diseases, however, is misleading. Except in the case of HIV/AIDS, condoms actually offer little risk reduction for transmission of disease.[34] To give teens the impression that condoms “protect” is to give them a false sense of security and may actually increase the numbers of teens who become sexually active. Public health policy should, therefore, promote sexual restraint rather than risk reduction. “Because sexual restraint is an aspect of emotional health and maturity,” says Joe Webb, President of the Medical Institute of Sexual Health in the USA, “it must be the foundation of sexual public-health policy.”[35] Regarding the promotion of contraception for teens, Trevor Strammers, an eminent British doctor, says,

Much teenage sexual activity has little to do with sex. It may be a way of expressing anger or frustration, a means of acting out, or a cry for attention. It is frequently part of a search for love and meaning – neither of which are necessarily found in sex. Concentrating on preventing conception is treating a symptom rather than a cause; it does not address the issue of why teenagers are having early and unprotected sex.[36]

Statistics from the Search Institute in the United States provide an answer to that question, as well as to why teens engage in other risk behaviors. Search has identified “40 building blocks of healthy development that help young people grow up healthy, caring, and responsible.”[37] These “developmental assets” include family support, positive family communication, parent involvement in schooling, a sustained relationship with an adult outside the family, neighborhood boundaries, and religious community. Studies show that among young people who have 31-40 of these assets, 3% engage in sexual intercourse; of those who have 0-10 assets, 32% engage in sexual intercourse. Depression, both a cause and a result of early sexual intimacy, affects 5% of youth with 31-40 assets and 42% of youth with 0-10 assets.

Teens are most likely to commit to saving sex for marriage if their environment is healthy and supportive and if the sexual message from the entire community – the home, the church, the school, the media – is a unified one. The church can play a very important role in making this happen.

V. Transforming Sex Education in and through the Church: Ten Approaches

1.  Hold classes and discussion groups for parents to help them to become more effective in teaching their children about sex and relationships and to give them an opportunity to share concerns and issues with other parents.

2.  Organize seminars, either on your own or in cooperation with other churches, for parents and for others involved in the sex education of your teens.

3.   Involve parents whenever possible in what you do with teens. When parents are involved, communication with their teens improves and teens are less likely to become involved in sexual activities.

4.   Focus on husbands and fathers. If the hearts of men are changed to value women and to accept the responsibilities of fatherhood, then boys will learn to treat girls with respect and girls will not need to seek the affections of boys in order to have the male contact they want and need.

5.   Provide regular opportunities for teens to make a public commitment to sexual purity.

6.  Encourage your members to care for and lovingly confront each other when necessary on sexual issues, speaking the truth in love (Eph 4:15-16). Teens should hold each other accountable, adults should not ignore warning signs that a teen is headed for trouble.

7.   Address current issues as they arise in the congregation or in the media. Seize every opportunity to correct misinformation and to give teens and adults alike the facts they need to support their stand on sexual purity.

8.   Find ways to use the public media (print, radio, television) to broaden the reach of the abstinence message

9.   Build up a library of resources on teen sexuality and regularly refer parents and teens to these resources.

10. Display pamphlets and posters on sex and relationships in the church. Keep the Christian message about sex constantly before the eyes of teens to counteract the wrong messages with which they are constantly being bombarded in society.

Summary

In a world in which sexual immorality is rampant and destructive, the church can provide its teens with an alternative culture – one in which the norm is abstinence before marriage and fidelity within marriage. In such an environment, parents will be encouraged and equipped to be the primary sex educators of their own children, teens will be strengthened and encouraged by peers who share their standard of sexual purity, and every member of the church will care enough for teens to confront them when they appear to be making unwise choices and will forgive and restore them if they fail. The church will undertake to help teens to become mature in every area of life, and will reach out into the community to help to create an environment in which all young people will thrive.